These are the painful questions that hit me when I feel lost or low.
I know most people say they wonder this too, what is the purpose to their life? And they come up with things.
But for an ex Witness, well, for me, this is one of the most difficult questions that keeps rearing it’s head.
When I was a kid, Mum used to always have an answer for me. The meetings told me every week. The books told me every week. The research from the Watchtower always reassured me. “I am here to serve our almighty and wonderful father Jehovah. There is no higher purpose. And then, when the New System comes, I will have a wonderful everlasting life with everything I could possibly want: a paradise, animals like tigers, a beautiful garden, other Witness friends and an abundance of food. I would never get bored because Jehovah was going to always give us projects. ”
I was told not to think about this question. It was irrelevant. We had work to do and people to save. I never stopped to think.
That’s the thing about Witnesses, you never stop to think. There is no time. In fact, thinking too much that was not recommended, because everything we needed to know was provided to us as spiritual food from the society and trying to think beyond that could let Satan influence our thinking.
So I never thought of it. I stopped my thinking.
Then, Jehovah disappeared. He was a fabrication of the Watchtower Society.
And often, with leaving the Witnesses, the hardest part is to start thinking for yourself. Making decisions for yourself. Because before that, all my decisions were made for me. Who I was meant to be had been decided for me.
Now I have to think for myself. On my own. And that is, as crazy as it sounds, so scary, so hard.
I have to decide what my meaning and my purpose is. Who am I?
I had been told who I was all my life, a servant of Jehovah.
But now, who am I?
The Earth looks vast and the valleys, where once I used to look out and imagine Jehovah and his paradise are now empty. The sky I look up to is empty. My brain, where I go to find answers, is empty.
I feel like a five year old, navigating through a new world. It’s big and it’s scary.