Sometimes, it all gets too much. I feel overwhelmed. My head is swimming with thoughts of confusion, anger, self harm and disbelief. This is a constant for many who have survived the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Some days are hard to get through.
This is how I feel at the moment.
This is how thousands of us feel on many days.
The Witness scars run deep and our mind is so altered, that it is hard to force a new path in our head.
I think of all the thoughts that were programmed in me. I think of all the daily, rehearsed scripts, that we repeated over and over, “I am sorry Jehovah, I am a bad kid, I will try to do better, I will pray harder, I will witness more, I will study more.”
All the programming. All done to me without me even understanding. I was only a child.
I am so angry because I want those ingrained thoughts to realign. I need to reprogram. Maybe that is something I should look into. I know there are places that do that: help you reprogram a cult out of your psyche. But where do I find the time? The resources? The backup? How do you say, “I need some time out from work, life, family, to go somewhere and get your head realigned”?
I am sorry, this post is a downer.
I feel so badly for my Mum. Not a day goes by when I wonder, will she see soon? Will the veil of the cult crack a little. Will she peer through and see the rest of the world that has been hidden from her? Will her mind open enough to let reason flow in?
No. She is a cult member. They cannot think for themselves. She is trained, that as soon as an independent thought comes in, she must quickly close it, and pray for protection from her sinful mind. She does this at every moment. That is the power. That is what holds them in. Her own mind closing itself to reason. Her own mind jailing herself, so that there is no escape.
This makes me so sad. For all the knowledge that is out there, she cannot look, she cannot see. She is trapped.
And I will never see her.
This is the day that I find overwhelming. This is what writing and coming out as an ex-Witness does to you. It messes with you and makes you feel powerless and daunted.
Will I ever make a change?